A Musing Mom

One single person has given me advice SO poor that relationships have been broken time and time again.
When I look at the outcome in their own life, it is the same.  This is not will.  It is control.

Thinking I was doing the "right thing" I was wrong - and to those e
affected, I am truly sorry.  

Check yourself always.  I went against better judgment.
I neglected my inner compass.

Don't you just love weekends?  

Seriously......I just LOVE them and not only because it is a few days of respite from the working rat race.  I actually enjoy my job which makes me among a rare few.

What I love about the weekend has more to do with quality time spent together as a family - from the lazy sleeping in and morning cuddles and cartoons to the school projects and cooking marathons.  I love getting caught up with household chores, watching movies, playing board games,  reading for pleasure and being unscheduled.  I love days spent in pajamas 'cause we can.  I love catching up with friends, enjoying cultural activities, and listening to the children play outside for hours and hours and hours per day.  There is very little about the weekend that doesn't make me smile. 

I didn't always feel this passionate about two days of the week.  I admit it - at one point in my life, the lack of scheduled activities was simply overwhelming.  I felt pressured into activities and entertaining.  I needed to "fill" the time rather than "live" it.

Most people become more conservative and opinionated as they age.  I find that I am becoming more and more liberal - more like I was when I was young and my sole responsibility was to myself.  I don't care in the least about the life others choose to lead if it makes them happy. (excluding four little people!)

Funny, I had a realization the other day, I have not cried a single tear (save for true grieving, as in a loved one dying) for so long, I don't even recall when it happened.  I think, perhaps, this has to do with the choices I have made and the fact that I am no longer a people pleaser.  In fact, I am quite the opposite!  I can't even count the number of times in my life I agreed to things, accepted things and worked harder than I had to to make others happy. No more.  I was the product of circumstances - I wanted to be loved, accepted and appreciated more than I wanted to be true to myself.  I don't regret those choices, but rather reflect on them in wonder.  It's no accident that I "lost my identity" for many years........it was all wrapped up in the people around me.

Now, when I started to say,"No thank you," that was met with some adversity. I understand.  I never did that before.  When I started to say, "No....that is not what happened" or, worse yet, "You are wrong!"  well.....that wasn't the Me everyone knew.

One of the things I have asked to have for FIVE years now are notarized forms to obtain passports for the children.  Now I have a child who wishes to do community service in South America.  The response I received was comical!  (This would have driven me CRAZY a few years ago!)

"You mean the forms I filled out and sent to you twice already?!?!"  (Like I would have overlooked this gesture?!?!?!) Yes, I have given the forms to my ex......notarized and returned to me?!?!?!  No!!!!!

My response........"No....that is not what happened.  No you did not.  No!"  Didn't lose one second of peaceful sleep.  Somehow, I really think he believes his own reality.  Perhaps, in his mind, he actually did follow through with this request.  MAYBE, he asked someone else to mail the envelope to me and they "forgot" either by accident or on purpose.  We received no forms.  I'm not gonna feel crazy because of it.....which, once upon a time I would have.  I probably would have apologized and searched through my paperwork, knowing full well that it wasn't there to say, honestly, that I had.

Truthfully, my response was "Give me full custody and I won't have to bother you with these things."  (I wish I had written it that nicely, but I did not.  I owe an apology.)

I am expected to BELIEVE what I am told which is pure silliness at best.

Sure makes me wonder how many years I fell under THIS trap!  I was SO BLIND!

Enjoy!

I  Believe...
That  just because two people argue,
It  doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And  just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they  do love each other.

  
I  Believe...
That  we don't have to change friends if
We  understand that friends change.





I Believe....  
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're  going to hurt you every once in a while
and you  must forgive them for that.  

 
I Believe...  
That true friendship continues to grow,
even  over the longest distance.
Same  goes for true love.  

I  Believe...
That  you can do something in an instant
That will give  you heartache for life.

   
I Believe....  
That it's taking me a long time
To become  the person I want to be.  

  
I  Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see  them.

   
I Believe....
That  you can keep going long after you think you  can't.


I Believe....  
That we are responsible for what
We do, no  matter how we feel.  

 
I Believe...  
That either you control your attitude or it controls  you.






I  Believe...  
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done  when it needs
to be done, regardless of the  consequences.







I  Believe....  
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing  and have the best time  .

 
I Believe....  
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when  you're down
will be the ones to help you get back  up  .


I Believe...  
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the  right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me  the right to be cruel.  

 
I Believe....  
That maturity has more to do with what types of  experiences you've had
And what you've learned from  them and less to do with  how many
birthdays  you've celebrated.  

  
I  Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven  by others.
Sometimes,  you have to learn to forgive yourself.  

 
I Believe...  
That no matter how bad your heart is  broken
the  world doesn't stop for your grief.

 
I Believe....  
That our background and circumstances
may  have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible  for who we become.




I Believe...  
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a  secret. It could change your life Forever.

 
I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing  and see something totally different.

 
I Believe...  
That your life can be changed in a matter of  
Hours by people who don't even know  you.


I Believe...  
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you  will find the strength to help.

 
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you  a decent human being.




I Believe...  
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.





 

The girls and I were sitting, watching television this evening and the boy was taking a shower when all of a sudden, "Crash!  Bang!!  Boom!!!!!!"

Then a moment of silence.
Big girl looks over at me and says, "You really don't want to know, do you?!"
Sigh.......Not REALLY,  I thought.  (Followed by an unspoken, Now what?!)

A few seconds pass and the sweet little voice of my seven year old calls down the stairs....."Mom........ something BAD happened......" ( I love that......he didn't DO anything, it just HAPPENED! :)

The girls erupt in hysterical laughter.
I do too.

He had accidentally knocked one of my scented candles from the shelf next to the tub to the tile floor.  Nothing a broom and dust pan couldn't fix.  :)  (With his help, of course.)

It's been a long time since I've updated with real information.....The truth is, I haven't had too much to say!  By all accounts, this is a good thing. The children are doing well, I am doing well and we enjoy a busy, hectic lifestyle appropriate to their ages and stages  - saving time for family games, shared experiences and relaxation. 

I was humbled when I looked at the calendar this weekend and realized that the five year anniversary of receiving my cancer diagnosis is next week.  In some ways, I cannot believe it was five years ago and in others, I am completely dumbfounded by the massive changes that have occurred in our lives in just five years!  We were still living on Bowman Drive and I was still teaching at Riverside School when that sledgehammer interrupted my life - and the world changed overnight!  Wow!  Was it the cancer?  The moves to multiple houses?  The divorce?  All together, this has been one giant roller coaster and I am pleased to start this post with the positive message written above. 

If I had the chance to do it all over again, I probably would have taken it a bit slower!  :)  Under the advice and influence of others, I jumped on horses that I was not fully ready to ride at the time.  Am I sorry - no....not now, but there were some difficult times and being in what was an unfamiliar place was probably not the very best choice.  I could have used more than one friend and one place to hang my hat when I needed to vent.  I could have used a variety of settings to have fun.  However, I never ever would have come to love the vastness of this most beautiful country had I not made the move and things back east were intolerable and unaffordable.  There was NOTHING stranger than getting on a plane with a one way ticket to a place that had no sentiment for me whatsoever.  (Save for being locked in a room with orange signs outside the door reading "Danger!  Radiation!" and BEING the bio-hazard!)_Now that things are familiar it is, well, easier and starting to become fun as the kids get older.

So, I have realized the need to "change it up a bit" although I'm not too sure how to go about making it happen.  I used to look forward to - even relish - a night out.  After all this time, it reads more like a big effort and money spent.  I enjoy it when it happens, but I do not miss it too much at all.  Safe to say.....dating with four kids is nothing less than scary......I didn't like it too much when I was in my 20's - I am definitely intimidated in my forties.  I have a strong need to protect my cubs which limits me socially and this is something I have to work on - for me and for them.  To be honest, it still feels a bit strange to even consider such a thing.  I know.....people do it all the time.....I just never thought I would have to so it's been a slow acceptance.  This is not because I still have a torch for my ex - it is because I know I would enter a new relationship without the wild abandon and unconditional love I once adored.  A friend once told me that it would never be the same - and it won't.  I would look for a compatible business partner who attracted me.  I would approach the entire situation from a different perspective.  I don't know if this means I have grown or if it means I have hardened.  Probably a little bit of both.

I don't have the "soft heart" for the underdog anymore that I once did.  I am focused on one thing and one thing only, providing the best life for myself and my family that I possibly can. 

So, Sunday Confessional #1 concludes with this:  Looking forward.  Anyone that wants to climb aboard, hop on.